No, You May Not

We are right on the brink.

Furlough is mere weeks away.

It sounds easy enough, right? Buy plane tickets, pack, and head out.

I wish it were that easy. Instead we have to arrange someone to stay in our home. We have to make sure those working in the church in our absence are ready. We have to design updated prayer cards, display banners, and make a new video. We have to schedule meetings with churches. Furlough preparation is a lot of work!

And then there are the little things. Very... important... little things.

There are little things like training our children to re-enter American culture. (And reminding ourselves about American culture, too!)

It seems easy, right? After all, we are Americans.

But increasingly, I find myself saying, "Oh, we can't do that in America." Around the dinner table it seems I have noticed how much we have adapted to the culture. It's great here, but on furlough?

For three and a half years, we have lived among a people who have completely different manners and different standards of what is acceptable. So how do we train our children for furlough? How do I prepare my college-bound son to reintegrate? How do we prepare ourselves?

The conversations go a lot like this:

Son, in American you cannot wear that. It's fine here, but athletic socks with your church clothes and shoes will not work in America.

I know usually I tell you just to pick it up and eat it with your hands, but in America they rarely use their hands for things like that. So let's practice how you have to eat this in America.

It's no big deal here, but please don't ever talk with your mouth full when we are in the States.

Michaela, we are going to have to practice reaching out to shake men's hands without looking like we are touching a dead frog. It's normal for men and women to shake hands there.

Yes, you will have to wear your shoes in church there... and, no, you may not take them off when no one is looking.

Burping is rude in America. So, let's try not to do it here. It will be good practice.

Don't stare.

No, you may not wear socks with your sandals in the States.

People in the States are very sensitive about their weight. Do not call anyone fat. Yes, I know it's a common conversation here. Yes, I know people call us fat here. America is different. Let's just treat that word like a bad word while we are in the States, ok?

No, you most certainly may not walk all the way to the store in the States!

Stop staring.

Don't slurp your drink. You cannot do that in the States. If the straw makes noise, it means you are done. (And, no, it doesn't matter if our national friends think this is the stupidest rule ever.)

People in the States have an imaginary three foot bubble around them. Stay out of their bubble. No, I am not joking.

Um, if you see two men or two women holding hands in the States, it doesn't mean friendship. So, don't do that.

In the States... Always... flush... toilets.

You don't have to turn the water off in the shower while you soap up there.

I said no staring.

No, you don't have to wait for the power to come back on to do that there. The power stays on there.

Stripes and plaids do not go together there. And you can't wear the same clothes two days in a row there.

You have to get a clean plate each time you go for more food at a buffet restaurant.

You have to wear a seat belt. It's the law. Everywhere. Yes, in every State.

There is a seating capacity in the States. You can't just keep piling people in the vehicle. There has to be a seat belt for each person.

It's rude to talk in another language other than English in the presence of someone who doesn't know that language. No, I don't know why.

Are you still staring? You gotta stop that.

No, you cannot wear your tennis shoes with your nice church dress there.

Never reach across someone at the dinner table. You have to ask for what you need instead. I know they see it as laziness here. Remember the three foot imaginary bubble?

And, yes, we will sit on pews... no, you may not sit on the floor. The pews are padded. You will like it.

Stop staring...

There is no need to carry toilet paper. Every bathroom has some. Why are you looking at me funny? I am not kidding!

Stand in line, and don't jump to the front. Don't forget the three foot bubble. No, no one is going to jump in line in front of you. People in America all stand in lines, and they get crabby if someone breaks that rule.

They will not know what petrol is. You have to say "gas." And we have to pump our own "gas."

It's o.k. if you forgot the English words to the song... they will have hymnals in English there.

Just remember, America needs Christ, too, and there are brothers and sisters in Christ there who will love us no matter how quirky we have become.

Are you STILL staring?