Better to Ask Forgiveness than Permission...right?

Have you ever heard the phrase: "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission"? Have you ever said it?

I hope you wouldn't be that rude.

It is usually said (somewhat) in jest by a person who wouldn’t actually do the thing they're suggesting, even if they really want to, because they know what they want to do is wrong and possibly hurtful.

However, it shows they are contemplating doing whatever it is anyway, because it is something they really want to do. And they throw out that phrase to a friend, or a group, and will possibly decide how to proceed based on the reaction of others.

Scenario:
Perpetrator: ”I hate how dark the dining room seems. My landlord has not given me permission to tear down a wall in the rental house, but I really want an open plan living space. Well, better to ask forgiveness than permission, am I right?"

Friend: [looking at Perpetrator speechless] “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. You should call your landlord and discuss it first.”

[Perpetrator proceeds to knock down wall]

(Just to clarify- this is the wrong thing to do. Saying something afterward such as: ”By the way- I knocked down that wall between the living and dining rooms. I think you're gonna love how it looks! And sorry it cost more than I expected, but that’s what rent is for amiright?” and then waggle your eyebrows up and down. Even if you are on the phone.)

People who use this phrase in their actual lives, and not in just Hypothetical World are selfish. Do you disagree?

Maybe you think that’s an extreme example. Okay, maybe it is. Let’s put it in another light, shall we?

Your teen is invited to a party on an afternoon they know you need the car to go to work. (Let’s assume you work second shift. Yeah, I’m sorry too. I'll talk to you imaginary boss and get you moved to first shift pronto.)

Instead of discussing things with you like a rational adult, your teen takes the car without permission, goes to a party you know nothing about, and makes you late for work because they had to drop someone off on the way home.

When confronted they say something like: “Well, I didn’t want to bother you. I knew you were napping, and if I woke you up, then you wouldn’t have enough sleep to get through your shift. And dad wasn’t here to ask, so I thought I could just go. It was at Sarah’s house- you LOVE Sarah. I planned to be home on time, but Joe needed a ride home. I don't know what you're so worked up about. Sorry.” [And they proceed to roll their eyes and toss the keys on the counter before leaving the room.]

They haven’t actually said the phrase “Better to ask forgiveness than permission” to your face, but they’re clearly implying it through their actions.

And they aren’t really sorry, are they? Maybe sorry they got caught. Maybe sorry you’re going to have a serious conversation with them when you get home from work. Most definitely sorry they will lose driving privileges. But not sorry they went ahead without permission, and had fun.

And that's the big issue I have with this phrase- that the person saying it is being flippant. They are choosing to do what they want because they know if they ask for permission, the answer will be ’NO’. And instead of risking that, they proceed, hoping everything will go well, and they can ‘ask forgiveness’ from the other party.

And that always ends with them really trying to convince the other party they did nothing wrong.

You can ask me how I know this to be true, but I’ll just tell you. The ‘Perpetrator’ many times was me. Oh, not in the above scenarios exactly, but in some similar, and definitely in some much more hurtful.

But if I’ve learned anything since becoming a Christ follower, it’s this: that isn’t how loving relationships work.

You can’t do whatever you want, Perpetrator, and then expect that the logical result will be that the offended person HAS to forgive or accept your actions in order for life to proceed smoothly. That’s a wrong and selfish expectation. And if you are a follower of Christ, it isn’t biblical, either.

Asking for forgiveness means that I recognize what I’ve done as wrong, and I am grieved over it. I am in a place where I have been convicted, and humbled, and truly seek to restore relationship and make changes going forward.

Not sure what that looks like? Go read Psalm 51.

Let's strike this phrase from our vocabulary, shall we? I have heard it from missionaries, other Christians, friends, and previous co-workers. And it's just not okay.

Flippant isn't a fruit of the Spirit, and has no place in the life of a believer. We need to be a people of integrity. A people who act with thoughtfulness, who seek God prior to acting, and have the best interest of others at heart.

That's how Jesus shines through us as a light in the world.

Psalm 15
(1) A Psalm of David. LORD, who shall abide in thy tabernacle? who shall dwell in thy holy hill?
(2) He that walketh uprightly, and worketh righteousness, and speaketh the truth in his heart.
(3) He that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbour, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbour.
(4) In whose eyes a vile person is contemned; but he honoureth them that fear the LORD. He that sweareth to his own hurt, and changeth not.
(5) He that putteth not out his money to usury, nor taketh reward against the innocent. He that doeth these things shall never be moved.

Galatians 5:13-17
(13) For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.
(14) For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
(15) But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye be not consumed one of another.
(16) This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.
(17) For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.

Colossians 4:5-6
(5) Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time.
(6) Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6
(4) Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
(5) Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
(6) Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;